I keep trying to sit down and write, but whatever I start to write I end up putting to the side and starting over, so I finally figured I should just let my fingers type away and let all these random thoughts that are rolling around in my head spill out. How are you, friends? If you are reading this in real time, we are experiencing a worldwide pandemic and quarantine. My state is beginning to reopen and I am making plans to open my shop back up next week. The last few months have been strange. And somehow, in a weird way, parts of this experience have felt vaguely familiar. It’s all so relative, as we each have had different experiences during this time, but yet we’ve all been in it together.
It’s such a confusing combination of emotions. The concept of staying at home and only going to the store for essential items didn’t feel completely foreign to me when this pandemic hit. There was a time when my babies were little and we had just moved to a new town and I was doing so many house projects that I barely went anywhere. It took so much effort and planning to coordinated nap times and feeding schedules, pack up all the snacks and diapers, get everyone buckeled in and out of their carseats, and navigate a store with a cart full of children. So I stayed home and painted and removed wall paper and changed diapers and fed babies and monitored naps. My calendar was pretty much empty and my life centered around home. It wasn’t an easy time. I often felt incredibly lonley. But I knew staying home with young kiddos was just a season in life.
When this COVID-19 stay-at-home order was announced it felt somewhat familiar to slip into sweatpants again and tie my hair up in a bun and only see my immediate family. I knew the perks of staying home full time. Comfy clothes, only being vaguely aware of the time on the clock, snacking whenever I wanted, never setting a morning alarm, showering every other day, binge watching shows late into the night and napping the next day, and lots of time to think and dream. In some ways this quarantine experience wasn’t as lonely as my life was before when I was a stay-at-home mom because we’ve all shared this experience at the same time. But in other ways the loneliness has been worse this time around, because I couldn’t do the usual things to break up my daily routine and fill me back up with inspiration. I couldn’t have friends over, our kids couldn’t have play dates, we couldn’t see our extended family, and I couldn’t hop in the car on the rare afternoon that my husband was home and drive to Target just to wander the aisles alone. I felt stuck. Stuck in a cozy apartment with three young kids who have piles of schoolwork and no yard to play in (all the playgrounds and parks are closed) while my husband is barely home because he is an essential first responder. It’s a strange mix of emotions to feel both lonely and a deep sense of connection within the community.
The word “and” is the best way to describe this quarantine situation for me. The whole experience has resulted in a combination of emotions. Gratefulness and guilt. Sadness and joy. Hope and uncertainty. Loneliness and solidarity.
I have spent time unpacking from our move and getting us settled in at our new home. And I’ve been using this time to focus on things I don’t always have time for like journaling, reading, and binge-watching shows. I’ve found myself reaching out to friends and loved ones who I haven’t talked to in awhile. I temporarily closed the business that I’ve worked so hard to build and I spent time curled up in a blanket while feeling deeply sad. And then I would feel bad because I know others are experiencing so much worse right now, and my heart breaks for them.
I’ve gained the “quarantine fifteen” and I don’t care that my pants don’t fit anymore because dark chocolate Oreos are worth it. Seriously, they have chocolate filling and they are so good that I refuse to share them with my kids! Also, I keep drinking delicious wine because I’m not driving anywhere and all the fruity summer flavored wines are my favorite and I have three kids that are home. All. The. Time. I’m feeling grateful for all the wonderful things in my life and I’m appreciating the opportunity to slow down and snuggle my babies. And I’m wishing I could run away because my children keep fighting with each other. They have spent so much time together that they’ve started tattling about what their siblings do to them in their video games. My daughter will come running to me crying because her brother hit her, and he will announce with wide eyes, “Not in real life! It was in Minecraft, and she stole my treasure!” and it all goes downhill from there. Remember how I used to be an elementary school teacher? That feels like another lifetime, because I have absolutely no patience when teaching my own kids at home. Yet sometimes I stare at them lovingly and just soak up the sight of them because they are growing up so fast. Occasionally I hold them while they nap and memorize the feeling of their littles bodies curled up next to mine. Also, I’ve spent countless hours on social media and I am incredibly impressed with the humor and art that has been created and shared during this time. I’ve laughed so hard I’ve cried! And sometimes I’ve just cried. It is such a strange time.
Does anyone else feel like this quarantine is one long run-on sentence full of “and”?
I am constantly in a state of waiting. Waiting for my essential first responder husband to finally come home. Waiting for dinner to cook. Waiting for my child to write a paragraph. Waiting to reopen my shop. Waiting for the coffee pot to brew so I can function. Waiting in line to use our only bathroom. Waiting on my Amazon packages to arrive. Waiting for the Zoom meeting to start. Waiting for bedtime so I can finally have some peace and quiet. Waiting for life to return to normal.
And I’m always thinking… I keep thinking about this blog and my shop and how I want them to continue to grow. I keep thinking about how grateful I am that we downsized and significantly reduced our living expenses right before this pandemic hit. I keep thinking about how much I miss my mother-in-law who passed away at the end of the summer. I keep thinking about what I want our life to look like when this quarantine is over. I keep thinking about dark chocolate Oreos and enjoying wine with friends. I keep thinking about the people whose lives will never be the same because of this virus. I keep thinking that I created these beautiful children who are convinced that I’m trying to ruin their lives with the occasional half hearted attempt to limit their amount of screen time. Although, let’s be honest, at this point I’ve basically given up on any type of schedule or routine. And that’s okay. It won’t alway be like this.
So, there you go. These are some of the random thoughts rolling around in my head, and now that I’ve typed them maybe I can write about other topics again!
I hope that you and your family are safe and healthy during this time. Sending you all love and strength as we navigate through this pandemic and quarantine together.
Have a beautiful day!
Sandy
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